Paris’ hokey pokey
A bimbo in the big house worth two on the street
by Regan White
regan@unioncountyweekly.com
Paris was put in; they then let Paris out; they next put Paris back in and now she’s crying all about. However cheesy, I’m surprised I haven’t heard the sing-song lyrics quoted more often in reference to Paris’ hokey experience with the pokey as of late.
International intrigue
I visited a German friend the summer before my last year of college. Everywhere we went that summer I, as the token American, was met with a barrage of questions – things like, “What do the Americans really think of the Monica Lewinsky?” and “Do the peoples not care that the president cheated on his wife with the Monica Lewinsky?” They were flabbergasted. It’s not that Europeans don’t have their own fair share of sleaze, but this is Germany we’re talking about – a land where litter simply doesn’t exist because it’s simply not the German way. It’s a country where, as one might expect, little old ladies still take to the streets with straw brooms, scraping the place clean with the regularity and appearance of wooden cuckoo clock displays: doors opening and German grannies emerging, brooms in hand.
I can only imagine the questions being lobbed at equally aloof American exchange students right now. “Please pass the Wiener schnitzel, Franz. Now Sarah, do the American laws not apply to the Paris? What do you think of the Paris? Are all the American girls like the Paris? Would you like to be the Paris? Is it ‘hot’ to disobey the law in your country like the Paris?”
I don’t mean to waste more ink on the trollop, except that I’m very aware she’s not helping our international reputation, stellar as it is. I still can’t get over the fact that they let her out of the big house in the first place. What were they thinking? As a co-worker pointed out, it’s not like anyone likes Paris – except maybe Paris. I don’t even think her own family likes her. But you take someone like Mel Gibson, who not only drove drunk but then offended an entire culture and religion. He’s not staring at any cell time. Heaven knows the list of beloved celebrities is long enough to more than pave the way to hell. But Paris? The public wanted her thrown in jail just because of who she is long before any of her driving drunk, endangering others, being-stupid-enough-to-continue-driving-after-a-DWI charges.
Criminal intent
It all happened so fast that I was sad I didn’t get to throw a “Paris is thrown in jail” party. But it seems with all the waffling that’s going on, there may be more than a few opportunities. And this whole crying, distraught, medical condition bit? The only medical condition she has stems from the fact that she’s probably never been reprimanded in her entire life. To be 26 years old and physically and mentally incapable of handling the consequences of your actions is absolutely ridiculous. Her parents should be jailed right along with her.
I would have paid money to be on the phone line when she called Barbara Walters – collect – from the clinker. I can’t even imagine that conversation but I’m sure it was solid-platinum Paris material dripping over that phone line. Her resolve to no longer “act dumb”? Priceless. And this whole “I’ve decided to not have my lawyers appeal because I plan to serve out the rest of my (already drastically reduced) sentence” bit? It’s called the law. Stop acting like you’re doing us any favors.
And what is the deal with this reduced-sentence stuff? I’m not well versed on the intricacies of jail time, but this whole day off for every four days of good behavior seems a little ridiculous. She was sentenced to 50-some days and served three at maximum, which somehow turned into five or so due to what? Time spent at her house under “house arrest”? Now suddenly she’s looking at two weeks left? Umm … doesn’t seem right to me. If you commit a crime and you’re handed 60 days in jail, your behind should be in jail for 60 days. Good for you if you don’t beat anyone up and you eat all your vegetables during your stay. If anything, one should be assigned further penalties for bad behavior, not rewarded for good behavior. Hi, this is jail time, not a time-out on the naughty stool in kindergarten. It’s not like Paris went to the restroom without a hall pass or put glue in someone’s hair. She drove drunk not to mention she is a reprehensible person to begin with. The latter may not be punishable by law exclusively but Lord knows I wish it were.
|
