| Domestic violence: Love isn’t a battlefield Shedding light on community problem by Regan White regan@thecharlotteweekly.com
It is a wish shared by Matthews resident Allison Christopher, a 30-year-old Spanish tutor, domestic violence survivor and member of the county’s domestic violence speakers’ bureau. Christopher suffered emotional, physical and psychological abuse at her fiancé’s hands during their yearlong relationship in 2004. “I didn’t think I’d ever end up in an abusive relationship,” she said. “These kinds of people are very charming … in a way you get lured; you get trapped in it.” The abuse began once Christopher became engaged. Her fiancé verbally insulted and degraded her, then physically choked her. “I thought I was always wrong and he was right,” she said. “You feel like you’re walking on eggshells. I thank God I didn’t marry that type of person because they strip you of everything.” Once Christopher left her fiancé and obtained a little distance, she couldn’t believe how the situation had blindsided her self-esteem. “I was being mistreated and insulted and … the things I thought were love weren’t,” she admitted. When she had her abuser arrested for phone harassment following their breakup, a detective recommended she look into United Family Services’ domestic violence services. Christopher has since become a part of the organization’s speakers’ bureau. “The public as a whole needs to know what’s going on,” she said. “I think the community is still not getting it sometimes.” A place to start But the Queen City is trying harder to grasp it. Nearly a year ago, the Mecklenburg Board of County Commissioners received a report it had commissioned from consultant Carol Morris on domestic violence. Morris compiled the 90-plus pages after extensive research and interviews with more than 65 individuals. The report revealed not only that domestic violence in Mecklenburg County is on the rise but also that the overloaded infrastructure of prevention, response and emergency services needed to be bolstered. Among her suggestions were more shelter beds, a focus on prevention, batterer accountability, increased cultural resources, cross-training and memorandums of understanding among key organizations and greater public awareness. Morris’ report has prompted a stronger partnership between UFS and the Women’s Commission, the county’s two largest domestic violence service providers. Marie White, manager of the Women’s Commission’s Victim & Children Services, explained that the report prompted the organizations to discover how they fit together as a continuum, with UFS providing crisis emergency assistance and the Women’s Commission focusing on long-term counseling and services. “We started looking at what we can do (differently) by making small shifts to … more adequately serve the clients in Mecklenburg County,” she said. In a world where individuals at each organization scramble to provide safe solutions to crisis situations, White said the report helped spell things out. “It was just really nice to see it all in a single, comprehensive document instead of it coming from five different areas,” she said. “It was a really good, comprehensive start.” Karen Parker Thompson, UFS’ domestic violence services director, explained that she and White have partnered for three years to combine training and team building but that the report firmed up the memorandum of understanding between the organizations. The two agencies have combined their speakers’ bureaus to streamline their community outreach process. They also still share team-building events and constantly seek ways to share resources, most recently coordinating a UFS adult counselor in the Huntersville area with a Women’s Commission child counselor. Thompson said the collaboration is working better than ever in the history of the two agencies. Growing pains There is still much ground to cover. “I think we are far ahead of some communities and extremely behind others,” White said. “In Mecklenburg County we have more services than almost any other county in the state but we also tend to have more deaths related to domestic violence.” So far the county stands out in terms of agencies partnering and making small shifts that translate into big changes. According to White, the county also leads the state in public awareness events. Yet, one of the most obvious shortcomings to the safety net for domestic violence victims is the bed shortage at UFS’ Shelter for Battered Women, the only of its kind in the county. In a shelter feasibility study expected in February 2007, Morris will examine how many additional beds are needed. “We have 29 now and we could easily fill 100 beds,” Thompson said. “We see every day just how explosive the needs are.” She explained that frequently several people wait for one remaining bed and UFS staffers must decide who is in the most danger and who gets a shelter bed. “It’s really hard for staff to keep their morale up when they’re having to make those kinds of decisions about turning people away,” she said. “If we just had the resources we need, it would really help the people who do the work to stay in (the job) longer and to feel like they’re really making a difference.” The current shelter was built in 1979; excepting the addition of a few beds in the ’80s, the bed count has stayed the same since it opened. “People are always surprised at how few beds we have because our city has grown so much,” Thompson said. “If a victim is in severe danger, she needs a place to go without us having to prioritize how much danger she’s in.” She added that at its current size, the shelter is only able to house women for an average of 30 days; a larger shelter would be able to accommodate more people for a longer period with more resources for transitional services. Both Thompson and White are hopeful that Morris’ feasibility study will provide the information and motivation to give the city the domestic violence shelter it needs. Thompson and White also highlighted the continued need for an expanded legal advocacy program to provide attorneys for victims in court, additional language services, increased batterer accountability, increased transitional housing and a safe exchange location for custody cases and child visitation – something that doesn’t exist in Mecklenburg County. Breaking the cycle Citing that children growing up in homes with domestic violence are 1,500 times more likely to grow up to be abusers or victims, White emphasized the importance of prevention services. “Unfortunately in our New Options for Violent Actions batterers’ education program and in our victims’ services we see families,” White said. “NOVA staff members have seen grandpa and then later dad and then later the children (of a family). … We work really hard in our children’s program to try to break that cycle.” Much of the hope of breaking the abuse cycle rests with community support. “Domestic violence is a community problem and it takes a community to end (it),” White said. Both Thompson and White praised County Commissioner Jennifer Roberts for championing the cause and helping to secure additional funding for both agencies in 2006. “It was the first time in a long time that we got additional positions, and that really said a lot for the amount of support in the community,” White said. Family and community support eventually helped Christopher speak out about her own abusive relationship. “I had kept it inside for a while because you just feel like you’re a failure in some kind of way,” she said. “You know in your heart that you’re not being treated right, but you still stay in it.” Christopher sends a message for others who may be where she once stood: “You do not have to live this way. There are other options for you to resort to than staying in the abuse. … Love yourself enough to get out.” Want to help? White stressed that leaving an abusive relationship is not always the safest option for victims and that anyone who has worked in the business long enough knows victims who did everything right and were still found and killed by their abusers. The key is to receive counseling and get the tools necessary to identify cycles of abuse, get out of those cycles if possible and avoid them in the future. If you or someone you know is a domestic violence victim, call the 24-hour crisis hotline locally at 704-332-2513 or nationally at 800-799-SAFE. Individuals interested in donating time, talent or financial resources or in booking a domestic violence speaker should visit www.unitedfamilyservices.org or http://dvac.charmeck.org or call Mike Sexton at 704-432-1568. |
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