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Calling all the sexy people
Mad mailings and first-ever Rant photo contest
by Regan White
regan@thecharlotteweekly.com
Just before I sat down to write this column, I found a stack of mail that had been hidden under a pile of magazines and preapproved credit offers that need to be put through my cross-cut shredder. Part of this forgotten stack of mail included a thin, unopened envelope from Yale University. It had the look, feel and appearance of every other plea for alumni money I receive. I imagine that’s why I brushed it aside in the first place.
You can imagine my surprise, then, to open it just now and find that instead of requesting my annual $10 gift (which they surely can’t do without), the dean’s office was writing to tell me that “a computer containing a file that included my name and Social Security number was stolen from the Yale College Dean’s Office on July 17.” The letter was dated July 31. The rest of the one-page letter details how the Yale Police Department, after much research and a bit of a reminder about who butters their bread, has given “very strong reason” to believe that the computer was stolen so the hardware could be sold and that the thief had no intent of using the data contained in the computer files. Nevertheless, the letter goes on to outline a number of precautions I can take to obtain credit reports, opt out of preapproved credit offers and the like.
So let me get this straight. My family pays them hundreds of thousands of dollars so they can accidentally give my Social Security number out? I graduated in 2002. Why is my Social still hanging around the hard drive of a dean’s office computer anyway? If my identity were stolen, I wonder if the thief would receive all of my ranting angst as well by association.
Given the way my mail has been the past couple weeks, I was not fazed by the news. A week ago I received a happy birthday card from retail clothing chain Express. My birthday is in February. Naturally, I was confused. I opened the card to find a $10 gift card and the words, “We know you have a birthday. We just don’t know when it is.”
How fabulous is that? I’m going to start sending cards to all my friends in this fashion. It’s nearly impossible anymore for me to keep straight the dates of people’s birthdays. I lose the dates when I write them down. I keep misplacing my address book and I never even think to refer to the electronic versions on my cell phone. So don’t be surprised if you get a card from me around your birthday that reads:
I know you have a birthday. I just can’t remember when it is. Thinking of you anyway with lots of love!
Your forgetful (but well-intentioned) identity-stolen friend,
Regan
YOU WANT CANDY!
First-ever ranting and raving photo contest
You’ve heard me rant about it before: the prevalence of sexy over scary when it comes to Halloween. The New York Times blew it up last year as if it were some kind of groundbreaking revelation. It’s not news. The exponential multiplication of the sexy cat, sexy nurse, sexy devil, sexy angel, sexy French maid (and on and on) costumes has been going on for years. And it bothers me.
Case in point: I was at Party City the other day and witnessed a 13-year-old girl delivering a royal hormonal tantrum to her mother who refused to purchase a sexy Raggedy Ann costume for her. Her mother was trying to persuade her that perhaps she should strive to be a little creative and come up with something of her own. The girl was having none of it. Red-yarn wigs were thrown. Harsh words were uttered. And it’s only September!
These are the unfortunate casualties of the haunting Halloween push toward ever-increasing sleaze. I have no objection to adult women who choose to don a nurse costume featuring a lacy garter with a heart-festooned needle and a prescription pad that reads, “Take off your clothes and let me examine you.” If that’s your idea of a good time, go right ahead. For me, I spend every day of my life striving to be sexy so I’d rather choose to spend my Halloween taking a day off and donning some fake blood while wielding a machete, thank you very much. But what are young girls and teenagers supposed to think when there are no big cut-out pictures or modeled costumes of women dressed as – oh I don’t know – real doctors and nurses?
I’m not a flaming feminist much of the time, but such things really bother me. Then again, this comes from a girl who wore a full-size furry Care Bear Halloween costume as long as she possibly could. Sexy.
Post-Party City, I vented about it all on my blog. Rant reader Jordan Beall replied to my post, sassily saying that this year he plans to dress as a sexy hobo. He then posted a photo from his first Halloween as a hobo in 1985. We got to talking about putting creativity into costumes and the like, and I decided to turn my angst into something productive for the first-ever “Ranting and Raving I Want Candy Photo Contest.”
Send me your most creative, favorite or most-loathed Halloween costume photos. Extra points will be awarded for individuals who add sassy commentary on the current state of Halloween costume affairs or biographical asides on Halloween costume memories. As much as I love snail mail, I don’t want to deal with it when handling contest entries so all photos must be submitted via e-mail to regan@thecharlotteweekly.com. That’s right – get out your scanners, people, and start saving files of that octopus costume your mom made you when you were 5!
Winning entries will be arbitrarily judged by me for a special blend of humor and creativity. Entries will be published on my blog (RegansRants.com) and select entries may receive print space. Winners will receive mystery prizes guaranteed to at least include candy corn and everyone’s favorite Halloween candy – wax lips! (They always smell like they’d taste so great! They don’t! They’re so darn deceptive!)
So start scanning and send me your photos with smart-aleck comments included. Let’s show the world what Halloween is really all about. Entries must be received by Oct. 19. Winners will be announced Oct. 26.
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